Updated: 08/15/2025
written by: Joshua Gebhardt, PhD, LMFT
In every relationship—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—communication is the bridge between two inner worlds. But bridges don’t just appear; they are built with intention, supported by the drive to connect, and maintained through thoughtful planning. Without these elements, conversations can easily veer into misunderstanding, conflict, or emotional distance.
Let’s break down three key ingredients that shape how we express ourselves and understand one another: Intent, Motivation, and Plan.
Intent is the purpose behind your words. Are you trying to share a feeling, ask for help, offer support, or solve a problem?
The tricky part is that intent often lives in your mind, but unless it’s clear to the other person, it can be misinterpreted.
For example:
Stated intent: “I’d like to talk about our finances so we can plan for the future.”
Unstated intent: “I’m worried about money and I want reassurance.”
Without clarifying intent, the other person might react defensively (“Why are you criticizing my spending?”) when you were aiming for collaboration.
Therapist tip: Before starting an important conversation, pause and ask yourself: What am I really hoping will happen by the end of this conversation?
Motivation is the emotional or psychological energy behind your intent. You might have the same intent (“Let’s talk about our future”) but wildly different motivations:
To feel secure
To fix a problem quickly
To avoid conflict
To deepen intimacy
Sometimes, we’re not even fully aware of our motivations—especially if they’re tied to fear, past experiences, or unmet needs. This is where communication can get tangled.
If your intent is to connect, but your underlying motivation is to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable, you might unconsciously shut down or become critical, sending a mixed message.
Therapist tip: Before speaking, take a moment to reflect: Am I coming from fear or from connection? Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to understand?
Good intentions and healthy motivations can still derail if you don’t have a plan for how to express them. A plan is about structure—choosing your timing, words, and approach so your message lands the way you hope it will.
Consider:
When: Choosing a time when both people are emotionally available and not rushed.
How: Using “I” statements instead of blame (“I feel worried when…” vs. “You always…”).
What’s Next: Deciding together what action steps will follow the conversation.
Therapist tip: Think of your plan as a roadmap: start with clarity, steer through vulnerability, and arrive at shared understanding.
When intent, motivation, and plan align, conversations feel more authentic, less reactive, and more collaborative. In relationships, this alignment fosters trust—because you’re not just reacting to each other, you’re deliberately building something together.
Here’s a quick example:
Intent: “I want us to feel more connected in our daily life.”
Motivation: “I miss feeling close to you and want to bring back our sense of fun.”
Plan: “Let’s set aside one evening a week for just us—no phones, no work talk.”
Healthy communication isn’t about always saying the perfect thing—it’s about showing up with clarity, honesty, and care. If you enter a conversation knowing why you’re speaking, what’s driving you, and how you’ll express it, you give your relationship the best chance to grow rather than fracture.