Updated: 08/15/2025
written by: Joshua Gebhardt, PhD, LMFT
In every relationship—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—communication is the bridge between two inner worlds. But bridges don’t simply appear; they’re built with intention, fueled by emotional energy, and maintained through thoughtful planning. Without these elements, even loving relationships can veer into misunderstanding, conflict, or distance.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love identifies three pillars of a lasting relationship: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment. Interestingly, these same elements have direct parallels in how we communicate:
Love Component Communication Element Relationship Impact
Intimacy Intent Builds emotional closeness
Passion Motivation Infuses energy and desire
Commitment Plan Creates stability and follow-through
When all three are present—not just in how we love, but in how we speak—our relationships grow deeper, steadier, and more fulfilling.
In Sternberg’s model, intimacy is the sense of closeness and mutual understanding that binds two people. In communication, this is mirrored by intent—the “why” behind what you say.
Intent reveals whether you’re speaking to connect, criticize, defend, or explore. When your intent is to understand and be understood, you open space for emotional intimacy.
Example:
Connection-based intent: “I want to talk about how much I’ve been missing our time together.”
Defensive intent: “You never spend time with me anymore.”
The first invites closeness; the second shuts it down.
Therapist tip: Before starting an important conversation, pause and ask yourself: What am I really hoping will happen by the end of this conversation?
Passion, in Sternberg’s theory, is the spark—the emotional energy that fuels attraction and engagement. In communication, this corresponds to motivation, the emotional current beneath your words.
Two people can share the same intent (“Let’s talk about our future”) but be driven by entirely different motivations: to feel secure, to fix a problem, to avoid conflict, or to rekindle closeness. Motivation colors tone, energy, and how your message lands.
If your motivation is rooted in love and curiosity, it can ignite warmth and openness. If it’s rooted in fear or frustration, it can spark defensiveness instead.
Example:
Connection-aligned motivation: “I’m bringing this up because I want us to feel more connected and have fun together.”
Conflict-aligned motivation: “I’m bringing this up because I’m tired of being disappointed.”
Therapist tip: Before speaking, ask yourself: Am I coming from fear or connection? Am I trying to be right—or to understand?
Commitment, the final piece of Sternberg’s triangle, is the decision to stay invested in a relationship over time. In communication, this is reflected in having a plan—a clear, intentional way forward.
A plan turns understanding into follow-through. It means choosing your timing, words, and approach carefully, and translating insight into shared action.
Example:
Commitment-aligned plan: “Let’s set aside one night a week just for us—no phones or work talk.”
Absent plan: “We should spend more time together.”
Plans demonstrate reliability: I’m not just here for this moment; I’m here for the long haul.
Therapist tip: Think of your plan as a roadmap—start with clarity, steer through vulnerability, and arrive at shared understanding.
When intent, motivation, and plan align, communication becomes a living expression of love—balancing emotional closeness (intimacy), vitality (passion), and dependability (commitment).
Healthy communication isn’t about saying the perfect thing. It’s about showing up with clarity, honesty, and care. When we align our intent with intimacy, our motivation with passion, and our plan with commitment, our words do more than express love—they actively build it.